Disappointment... (prepare for one hell of a read... again... and yes, it's that long. trust me)

i donno what is wrong with me... i am starting to either think too much or worry too much... it has got to be one of them...

my friends are killing me, one by one, one at a time... i donno if saying or typing this is fair to them or not but right now i seriously don't care, because i need to get this out of my head. my heart. myself.

recently i came to realize that nothing really goes my way. everything i do, there must, and will always be faulty and wrong...

at first, my watch began to lag behind... lag really really far away from the accurate time... it doesn't really matter to me, as i still have my phone, and it is accurate. and so i told myself that i can just simply wind my watch back to the accurate time whenever i want to.

but what the hell? the more i rewind, the worse it gets. sigh...

the watch is just part of my troubles... and i consider it a trouble/problem to me because i really hate it when things don't go my way. i want things to be driven the way i wanted it to be. i want things to go my way. and i know it is impossible because i am not God. and i can never be. and so when things don't go my way, i just ignore it... i'm trying. but i feel like giving up. i seriously can't try anymore... i am really tired...

this is my first time feeling soooooo down, ever since coming here to Kuching... Sonia's case was saddening, but i can still handle it... but now, my problems, all accumulating one by one in such a haphazard way, all coming towards me, all attacking me at the same time. they all know that i can't handle my problems more than one at a time, but they don't care. they'd still do it... they'll still bombard me in a way i'm so defenseless... so full of nothing... so weak...

what does the word "Friend" mean to you? as much as i wouldn't want to say it like i'm so proud about it, but friendship really matters to me. i seriously want to make as much friends as possible, but i think, coming here, friends are beginning to lose their value...

i'm starting to not believe in friendship anymore. is there really something called friendship? do friends really exist? what kind of friends do i have then?

no one listens to me, and i mean no one. when i am approachable, people ignore me like i'm invisible. and when i don't feel like talking, only then people began to ask me if i'm okay, only then they'd really "care" about me.

what is friendship to you? are friends people who listen to you whenever you are down? are friends people who accompany you when you have no one to accompany you to the shopping mall? are friends people who have fortune that you wished was yours? are friends people who bitch and gossip with you about that other bitch they're bitching about? are friends people who help you when you fell down? are friends people who stayed and waited for you when you are left behind? are friends people who just wanted you to help them with their homework? are friends people who just wanted to be "friends" with you so that they can use you? are friends people that only appear when something bad happened?

when i heard about swinburne, the first thing in my mind is not about my studies here nor was it about my future as an engineer or a businessman or an accountant. the first thing that came to me was, "what? does that mean i'm going to get separated from my friends?"

i was worried. because it was hard to have finally formed a bond between me and my friends in high school. i don't want to get separated from them. i need them and i knew they needed me as well. that was what i think.

but everyone knows that whenever i think of something, it'll always turn out to be the other way round. when i think that friends are so important to me that i can take bullets for them, sacrificing myself for them, they turn out to be people who can't do the same for me.

i mean it when i said i miss my friends a lot, but i seriously don't know if they mean it or not when they said they do the same as well. when they said they miss me, i really doubted it...

if they really do miss me, why'd they ignore me when i greeted them? why won't they reply when i said hi over MSN or facebook? why would they go offline straightaway i said hi? why would they break my heart like that? i wanted to talk to them because i miss them. but why would they, and how could they hurt me like that? they wouldn't dare to say it face to face to me, because they know i wouldn't be able to take the fact that they don't like me anymore. they know that i couldn't take the fact that we can't be friends anymore.

when i knew that there is internet access over here in swinburne i was seriously happy because i know it's the only way for me to stay in contact with everyone. i know it's the only way that we can still be friends. because my friends are all in another country and calling them, or even send a text to them is seriously costly and hard. if they don't even bother replying me in MSN, how much more can i expect them to reply my text? if they think replying me in MSN is already such a hard thing for them to do, what more can i ask for?

i don't know if i'm thinking too much or anything, but right now i'm just so confused and sad... at first i kept giving myself ridiculous reasons about them not replying my messages. at first i thought they must be busy, they must be busy doing something... like studying. but can't they at least just tell me that they are busy?

if they are busy, why don't they put that in their status that they are busy, and wouldn't be able to reply? why would they put down silly and meaningless statuses instead? if they really are busy, why bother signing in again? why can't they just turn off their laptop or whatsoever and just study or do whatever it is that they are doing?

why do they have to avoid me? didn't they keep on telling me that they miss me? didn't they said that we would stay in contact no matter what? didn't we promised that we would always chat online?

why is it that when i wanted to talk to them, they're never there for me? why is it that when i needed them to be by my side, they're never there? i would always be the one who asked them what happened when something happened, and the answer i always get is "nothing, it's just his/her own problem." or "it's none of your business actually..." or "i don't want to tell you".... why is telling me their problems so hard for them? is it because they think i'm not good enough to solve their problems? or they think me knowing is better than i don't know anything because they think they i'd do something silly?

what is it? why can't you all just tell me?

because of this, i think it's ok that i do not share my problems with anyone. i don't, and never tell anyone why i am sad, and i never let people in although i have always been giving myself out. i think the reason "i don't want you to worry" is simply bullshit and idiotic. do you think that not telling me is going to make me not worry about you?

whenever there are problems i don't share with anyone because i know that my problems are always mischievous and boring, kiddy and ridiculous. people always say that i worry about the wrong thing, and they always say that i spent my time worrying about things that do not concern with me, but what the hell? that is what i am! u expect me to just not care about anything and just live life my own way, with my own perspectives, being selfish and care only about myself? care about nothing but myself?

when my friends began to know me, they have so many things to tell me. they have so many things to share with me. they think that i can be good company. but as they get to know me longer, they'd start to think that i am annoying, childish and stupid. i know that i am annoying, and i do know that i am childish, but that's just what i am. don't and can't you all just see that i will not be who i am if i changed myself?

speaking about changing, i think i have changed yet again. when i was in primary school, everyone would have loved to stay away from me. hearing my name or seeing me in person is like a nightmare coming true to them.

when i moved away, i told myself that being a demon is so over already. i'd have to change or else i am not going to have any friends at all. and i can't stand being lonely and friendless. i want company... and the only way to find one, or more, is when i'm in a new environment, where there would be less people that know of me.

and it took me around 2 to 3 years before i started to have friends that i'm seriously close with, people that i can talk to when i'm down. i changed from being a demon child into an angelic demon. i stopped, or lessened my demon acts, and they stayed dormant inside me.

now, coming here, i began to change again... evolving into something that i'm so afraid of becoming when i was in my "angelic" form.

one day, during one occasion in which i have forgotten about, i cursed. i said the word "fuck" and i seriously have no idea why i said that. it was nothing serious, and yet i cursed. i was so disappointed with myself and i told myself that that word is going to be the last foul word that i would say.

and until now, the only foul words that appear are those that i typed down. i donno why, but i think cursing while typing is somewhat and somehow better than cursing verbally.

i don't want to curse. i seriously don't want to. i don't want to be like my friends who curse like they're breathing the air. i just want to be as "pure" as possible, knowing that i have been so sinful already in the past. i want to be as good as possible so that i can die peacefully. coz i'm really afraid of a tragic ending to my life.

and going back to "friends", if friends are people you can rely on, then why would they still give up on you eventually? why would they say that they'll be there for you when they're not going to mean it?

why does that someone has to ask me to add him in facebook and MSN, and has to be the one who deleted and blocked me from the two respective... er... things? i am no longer on his friends' list, and i know that he has blocked me from MSN, coz i never seen him online anymore, and i do know that he is a frequent online person. it'll be impossible for him to just suddenly don't go online for months.

and why? why do people who don't know me have to attack me as well? why is it posting something on my blog or posting comments on someone's post or even putting my thoughts on someone's chatbox and even putting on a new picture have to be so wrong? why must my actions be somewhat repelling... in a way that no one likes it? why does it have to be so hard to just do whatever i like and not getting "attacked"?

why is speaking my mind such a difficult thing to accept? i'm just being human, and i'm just saying out what i am thinking. why must i be provoked? why must i be insulted? why do everyone have to think that i'm gayish in every single thing that i do? is it just because i don't have a girlfriend that i will be labeled as "gay"?

why can't you just leave me alone when i don't even welcome you to my world? why do you have to say things to hurt me? why must you be so criticizing? why can't u just let me be? why can't u just let me be me? why must i be the one at fault?

i seriously don't get it. what did i do in order to deserve this? did i step on ur tail or did i ever said anything bad to you? i don't even know you! stop bullying me just because u see that i am an easy target! i do have my values as well as a human and i do have dignity. stop talking bad about me in a way that is so humiliating and so untrue that people who don't know me began to label me the same way that you did as well!

it is so unfair and i don't like it! if u want to say something bad about me, at least provide the proof that i did do something wrong! being gay, or looking like one, is NOT my problem and i didn't choose to be either of those two. i am born like that, and if you're not happy about it, then just stay away. you do not have to comment on anything about me. because my life is my life. your life is your life. live your life, and do not step your foot into my life if you have no intentions or whatsoever in getting to know me.

well, i guess it's better to not know me as people who know me long will begin to find me irritating and will begin to avoid me and so. so do it fast before u regret it.

and what is wrong about telling my friend that i do like something? why is it wrong to tell her that i want that thing so badly as well? why do u have bitch slap me about the way i posted that comment on that chatbox? it's not like it's YOUR chatbox to start about. if that's your chatbox and if you're the owner then fine. i'm completely speechless. but NO! u, as someone i completely don't know about, come to wail on me like i'm some kind of joke to u! what is wrong with u?! if you don't like the way i comment or chat then just go back to ur bitch hole and bitch about it privately or u can just tell me personally or even send me a personal message. it's okay for u to say whatever you like coz that's ur own mouth, your own brain and everything but can u at least be more polite? how can u just suddenly spray me with ur nasty opinions about me when i don't even know of your name?

i think this is all just karma... i have been doing so many bad things before in my life and now it's the time to punish me for my wrongs...

this challenge of life is seriously difficult for me to endure... i have felt like giving up for a long time already. but everytime my friends are the reason i'm holding on...

but right now i'm really confused if they really do care for me...

i know of some who really do, and it's better than none, and i'm glad to know that...

thanks, joanna. =) u've cheered me up with ur facebook messages... hehe

=)