A New Me... Perhaps?

I hope it rains now so those bitches by the gate will get some "cold, nice shower" (evil grin)

That was what was in my mind just now as i was making my grandiose (cough cough) entrance back to Swinburne, when i saw those disgustingly annoying people. whatever. thinking of them now doesn't really bring any effects to me anymore. A few days ago, the mention or the presence of their names would mean so much to me that i'd want to slit my wrist open.

But now, i can't wait to watch them fall the way i did. Yea, that said, i mean i want them to burn in HELL! yea. that's me. totally unforgiving. well, actually, it depends. If it has something to do with my emotions and mental health, yea, i'm So totally unforgiving. Anything that brings me to a "down" state will result in my wrath.

if you step on my feet, i'll forgive you. but if you step on my feet for a dozen times, you'll be in one heck of a hellish ride already, Mr./Ms. Foot-Stepper! lolz...

so, anyway, back to topic. but not really. "Not really" coz i don't want to tell what those bitches have done to me, coz it's meaningless to do so. No one will understand. Not even my family, who i thought would have stood by my side when i needed her the most.

but, only ONE person in this whole wide world that i've found the guts to trust in. She's Joanna Lim, my tiny and athletic basketball player friend... After telling her my problems i found the strength to go on and told myself to survive this pathetic shit. She's the one i could trust whole-heartedly. without her, i'd still be lost... somewhere... still lost...

So, a few days ago, i saw one of the bitches. and Hell! She looks SO Much like a bitch! hahahahaha... didn't use to notice how bitchy she looked... perhaps that time "friendship" (i almost laughed out loud at that horrendous word) blinded everything. ugh.

well, that bitch saw me. i know she did. and do you know what she did? she quickly swung her head to the side, pretending to see where she was, totally ignoring me. but to no avail, woman! i've seen you. you were coming out of the lift in a hurry, and the instant you saw me, you paused and pretended to look at the side. HA! that look is priceless! So, you pretended you didn't see me, eh? i'll play with you. i pretend that i didn't see you as well... :)

HA! bitches of the world.

to tell the truth, i don't really care if you readers come here and scold me, bitch me... whatever. let me just tell you this: i'm not that pathetic Joey who lives for his friends anymore. I won't put "friends" as my first priority anymore. Coz... what for? I've put in so much effort trying to make them happy, and in the end, all i get are pieces of shit, thrown at me all at the same time.

and oh! message to those who've deleted me in Facebook: "Thank You! Thank you for deleting me. You don't need me; I don't need you as well. go fuck yourself just as how i will live mine. :)"

hm... i think i'm done being emo over some ridiculous and useless shit. i don't need to care about them if they don't even bother to care about me.

now, now. before i scare my readers, you, away, let me explain my wrath. normally, if you've talked to me personally, you'd think, "Oh, Joey's just a goofy, funny guy who jokes all the time and is never serious."

well, true, but not really. i may never appear serious, but that's only because there's no need to BE serious in front of you people. just because i'm not serious in front of your naked eyes doesn't mean i don't have the ability to be serious. and just because i joke around doesn't mean i am very funny every single time.

there is no one in this world that will not experience the slightest ray of darkness in their holy, white, innocent life.

I am a person with a dark and tragic past. if you ask me, I'd say i have the worst childhood i could ever get. and that is the reason i hate children: not because they are annoying (well, they are, and it IS part of the reason) but because i don't want my tragic childhood to be passed onto them. meaning, i don't want to torture my children in the future the way i was tortured when i was younger.

try imagine having parents who don't really know how to be parents. try imagine. one parent always work all day long, and when returns home, never interacts with his children. he's always seen relaxing around, and the things he said to his children are not "How are your studies? do you need help with your homework?" and so on but "You. go get me the fruits in the fridge. You. do this. you. do that."

and try imagine having the other parent being hot-tempered always. whatever minor small mistakes done, you'll get a painful and never sweet candy. metaphorically, of course. imagine that parent always slashing you with her powerful caning attacks, so lethal that blood is sometimes visible, leaving marks for your classmates to see and laugh at.

and now try to analyze... what would happen if the child is born in a family like this? having no "unconditional love" from his parents. a type of love that, being a child, couldn't get and couldn't understand why he couldn't receive love like how his classmates are showered with.

and so this child, with anger towards his parents, began to rebel. he knew rebellions in his home would literally meant suicide, and so he turned his attention to his so-called "friends" in school.

there wasn't anything nice done by him at all in his school. no one really liked him, and those who actually got close to him are those who he thought would be his "best-friends forever", only to betray him in the distant future, when something wrong happened.

one day, this little boy began to realize that he couldn't change anything. he couldn't change the people near and around him but only he himself alone can do the "changing" part. and so he finally stopped wishing for the people around him to change for him and started to change himself.

it was really hard, but he knew he had to do it in order to keep those who he loved and cared about. he didn't want to lose them, and he tried hard to change.

years later, he did, somehow, succeeded, and he told himself that he's satisfied with how he has changed and so he stopped changing. he began to feel really happy at last...

after years of sadness, this boy finally got the happiness he seek for. but! alas, all good things come to an end. things changed when his dearly beloved relative went to work overseas, and he was left all alone at home. when he needed the support he wanted, he didn't get it. it was that year that he finally fell in love with someone he held very dear, but he knew that person will never ever look his way but still he wanted to love that person. in the end, when his heart was tremendously broken and injured, he was forced to endure it alone. he had no one to turn to and he became more and more negative as the days went by. but fortunately he managed to find a way and he survived. that year, he was forced (in a way) to graduate from high school and was to leave his haven. again, his heart creaked, but he knew that he could still see his friends again.

then, for almost half a year, he has been relaxing at home, and laziness automatically took over. (i mean, who doesn't? if you were to just sit at home and do nothing, you'd be lazy as well, right? you can't possibly do anything that you wanted...). and so he began to change again, and this time he himself didn't ask for it and was ignorant about it.

an opportunity for him to move again came. it was for him to continue moving his brain again, something he wasn't quite ready at that time. but under his family's encouragement, he took the chance and went to study, having to leave his family behind. he thought he would have gotten used to being alone, but at the end of his semester he realized that despite having an unhappy childhood, his parents STILL are still the reason he's now typing this post with a heavy expression.

no, i'm not being unhappy now. to tell the truth, i don't know why am i frowning. is it because i sense that relative, who worked overboard, scolding me already? ha. like i care.

actually, i wanted to type more, but... i forgot what it is that i wanted to type.

AND! i think i finally got the best remedy for my sadness for the past few days. sometimes letting things out is the best remedy of all... i guess i'm just too used to keeping everything to myself because it's my weakness... i don't like to let people know too much of me; it makes me insecure. and also, i don't trust people easily. it's because i've constantly be betrayed that i find it hard to let people in. and it's so ironic that i always want to be in people's lives.

i guess that's me. i always want something but i'm also afraid to give in return. call me kiasu, call me kiasi. call me whatever you want. i couldn't care anymore. i malas to care. caring much would only increase my burden and deepen my mood.

and oh, i WON'T let my stupid keys to my stupid locks determine my mood for the whole day anymore. you see, i've bought two locks for my bag, and when i unlocked the bag, i always thought, "Oh, today's a good and lucky day for me" when i got the right key to the right lock in first attempt. and i always thought, "Oh, today's an unlucky day for me. Boo" when the first attempt to unlock the right lock failed. and it dragged along... i'd somehow be less confident in the things i do; i began to doubt myself. just for some stupid locks and their stupid keys... ==

AH!!! I feel so good right now! i've finally shoved these heavy burdens/rocks away from me...

now it's just a matter of time before they come back to me. coz what goes around comes around. it's a never-ending cycle.

so, until my next semi-emo post, this has been Joey the Only! :)