Not-Happy-ness

I am not happy... Not necessarily "Emo", just unhappy.

And I don't even know why I am suddenly feeling unhappy... Maybe it's the fact that I am... well... left out. And I don't know why... I am supposed to be used to that (being alone). So why am I still feeling this?

I don't know. Maybe I am not... "alone". I mean, maybe it isn't "loneliness" that is making me feel this way. I woke up... feeling... nothing. I went to class... feeling nothing. Then I went to the library, again... feeling nothing...

Maybe it is the feeling of nothingness is making me feel sad... coz I've never felt something like this before. And I don't like it.

Today there is a Leo Club meeting. And... to tell the truth, I don't want to be in the club anymore. Coz... First of all, I can't really feel passionate in being in this club. If compared to Dance Club, I guess you can say that I don't even feel passionate at all. So... maybe... just maybe, I won't be joining Leo Club next semester. I don't know how to tell Danny or anyone else. I don't know how to speak up... Coz if they ask me why I don't think I know how to answer.

Well, another reason I can't be in this club is because most of the time the activities would require you to support the activities financially, if not morally or physically. I don't mind giving moral and physical support, but I can't just use my money to participate in the activities. To tell the truth, I'm one of those people who can make it through the week eating three meals a day (including drinks and so on). I am trying my hardest to save the most I could. Coz those money isn't mine, it's my mother's. And my mother isn't working and so it's unfair for her to keep withdrawing her own money to let me spend it around.

I feel guilty as well for spending her money. I feel sad whenever I realized that my money's balance is never higher or equals to RM5 a week. Meaning I'm overspending. And I don't want to overspend. Coz of the reason above.

Sigh... The more I type the sadder I get. Sweat... I feel... insecure... More and more insecure. I have a lot of people pretending to be friends with me. And I have some people wanting me to be the friend they want me to be, which I'm not. I don't want people to force me. And if they want to get pissed off at me just because I won't do what they want me to do, whatever. I just have one thing to say: "You are not my anyone and so you don't have the right to tell me what to do. If you still want to go your way then go fuck yourself".

Sigh... I don't know what you people might think, and not that I really care.