It's true that we don't know a lot of things in this world.

Currently, I don't know how long my heart is going to continue beating. It's become more and more... how to say? Well, refer to my previous post.

There has been a lot of things happening recently... October just isn't the month for me I guess... It's not like I care... At least not anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore. People continue to live for their ambitions; for their dreams. But I don't even know what they are anymore. There was once in Twitter when #in10years was trending.

I wanted to type "#in10years I will be a successful man, where I earn lots of money and live with my family happily ever after". But... as I typed "#in10years", I stopped. I can't even see that far into the future yet...

I don't even know if I would wake up the next day, what more should I expect in 10 years time?

I'm currently very lost. I don't know what to do, and I have no motivation in doing anything anymore.

I've been selfishly thinking that if my loan doesn't get approved, I'll go back to Miri and I'll work there. So that I can be with my family again. Kuching is seriously more and more retarded than I can get used to. More and more rotten things have happened and I don't want to go through them anymore...

You can call me a coward. A wimp. A loser. I don't care. I couldn't care either.

If I have no reason to believe in myself, why should I believe in anything else, right? Right now, I'm just grateful that my heart is still beating... The furthest that I can see in the future is next year, January. When I go back home for good... I don't want to study anymore... I seriously don't feel like studying anymore...

Why waste money on me? There's someone else in the family who deserves more than me to study and I feel like I'm just standing in her way. If I've never existed, she would be studying now. She wouldn't have to suffer all the pain that she's going through. I feel like a monster, destroying people's future.

I really have tried my best. I've tried my best to impress everyone. But not only do my impressions failed, I now have lost the power to continue living.

Sigh... This should be the best time in my life to throw a 500mph car toward me as I'm crossing the road on my way back home...